You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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