You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
my nose is crying tears of wow.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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