I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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