I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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