Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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