woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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