Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Randomize
