After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My life is pants optional.
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