You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
