Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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