My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
