My liver just broke up with me...
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Randomize
