Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
