seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
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