good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
did you just send me my own nude
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
