Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
