I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
