I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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