I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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