my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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