I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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