You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
