I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
