Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I need to calm my uterus...
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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