Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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