She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
