i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
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