he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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