I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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