We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
