Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
