you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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