I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
