well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
a search helicopter?!
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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