I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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