my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
