I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
