she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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