If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize