Umm I'm too high to move.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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