I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize
