I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
