i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Drake has all the answers
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