Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
