There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
