I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
