feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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