Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
