She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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