So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize