I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
