oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
