Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
